Empty

Just feeling so empty. No emotions. No interest.  Nothing. Usally me being depressed or im trying to hide my emotions. Been happening more and more lately.

Ptsd hits while driving

So I was in the car with my husband when he started saying that basically my mom is the way she is because of me. Dont get me wrong I thought of it a few years back before I started to find out where she went crazy. But I started defending her. We stopped and I realized my hand was in a fist. My thoughts started to wonder. My husband asked if I was okay to drive. I thought I was. Got to the house to drop off my husband.  I took my son and drove to a gas station.  I started shaking and was trying to hold back the flash backs. All I know is my emotions went crazy. I parked and while I was turnig to park I couldnt hold back the flash backs. I ended up bumping the curb and knocked me out long enough to park the car. I managed to destract my self long enough that I didnt start up again tell I was close to home. I eneded up crying as soon as I got on my street. Some reason my eyes burn when I cry so because of it I was crying worse. I managed to get in the drive way and park. Then I cried while trying to calm myself down. Thanks to my support I managed.

Relationship problems

Has anyone ever just couldnt get in the mood because of ptsd. I couldnt injoy myself nothing. Maybe I just fell that far away from my husband.  Or maybe the things he was telling me was making me feel scared for my life or trapped then anything. Whatever it was. I know my ptsd is acting up now. Ill I want to do is run away then curl up in a hole and cry. I feel like I was just raped and not having ... with my husband.  One thing though is im glad and scared that his fingers still give me the chills. Im trying to convince myself its a good thing... im just not to sure. Well I better go before he freaks out about me taking to long.

Other pain

I wonder if anyone else that has ptsd when they get another pain it brings on systems of ptsd. I been dealing with it for a week now it sucks. Sorry this isnt longer. I've also have a great person for support.

Depression around me

One thing I had to learn to handle the past 5 years or so. Is how much other people's depression affects me. To me its easier to handle my mom in a bad mood. She is extreme bipolar and schizophrenic. So you can see when I say its hader then handing my mom what I mean. Im sure other people's depression was hard on me before then... I just didnt notice it at much. Between my household being depressed and handling friends that were depressed.  No wonder why it was hard to keep my depression at bay. Then when I moved for college. I still heard all the depression in family and friends.  But being so many hours away no wonder why I had to destract myself. When I wasnt distracted my mind would wonder off. I would get so depressed. I found so many ways for me to die and no one could of stop me. I made friends that were also suicidal.  It helped. When I got pressured to leave my dream school. I ended up doing so. I moved to a small town. To live with a very suicidal and emotionally desterbed guy that I dreamed up this world with to the point of not seeing what I should of. His 2 month old son. And his parents. I still got to hear about depression that other people were going through. But I was holding myself back by focusing on this little baby that became mine. He became my world. My way of staying out. With him I couldn't care less of the non reality that I made around us. 6 months before he turned 2. The guy and the kid and myself were living in our own house. We were married. And we invited other people to live with us. So I ended up with 5 suicidal people under my roof... thats when it became hell for me. Now its almost a year since they all moved in. 2 of the people left. The rest are still here. So much had changed. And yet im dealing with depression more then normal. And its eatting me alive.

The good memories

It sucks I can remember basicaly all of the bad. But the good doesnt come as easy. I was talking to my mother and she was talking about my past. Remembering the good is like ptsd but it brings back better feelings. Its just harder to remember. I think its because when I think of the past. The abuse and rape is what comes first.

My ptsd

Hi! I been diagnosed with severe ptsd since I was 8. For 10 years after that I was court ordered to go to counseling. I never was one that opened up about what was going though my mind unless you asked. Theres times even though less frequently now where until I get the story out, its like im stuck in the past. All the emotions, all the pain, the memories. Is like one big movie that wont stop repeating. I've learned over the years how to keep living my daily life when I get that away. When i was in school you could tell because of my grades dropping and I wasnt able to focus on school work. After about 8 years of living with diagnosed ptsd. I  learned most of my ptsd was on a schedule.  It wasnt like every 3 weeks. it was more early September and mid  January of every year kinda thing. I also had to learn ways when it got really bad for me to keep going or bring me at least more able to focus in the real world. Most people im around dont understand how to deal with or handle ptsd. And with me not one to open up. All they can describe me during the time is someone who goes into a depressed state. About 6 years ago I was hanging out with some friends when I felt the ptsd coming on. I stupidly ingored it and kept going on like nothing happened. We all eneded up going to a movie theater to watch Water Horse. I ended up getting so bad all I could do was sit in a ball against a wall with my hoodie covering me. Even though for me it felt forever. I have some great friends. One noticed almost immediately and sat down by me to keep an eye on me. Even though I wasnt fully aware of what was going on around me I could hear the occasional "is everything okay?". I dont know how my friend knew but eneded up getting a cup of ice from the concession and managed to get to the back of my neck to rub ice on it. Oddly it started helping. Now even to this day anything cold on the back of my neck relaxes me. I learned even though its hard for me to relax and when I do its not for long. That knowing things that at least calms you down a little is a big key to keep living with ptsd. Because of everything that has happened. I dont handle change well and I get overly attached to people (even if I just meet them).

New

I wanted to make a blog that I can write down my flash backs in or whats going on with me ptsd related. So this is it.