He can't hurt me.

He can't hurt me. He can't hurt me. He can't hurt me. No matter how many times I repeat it. He still haunts me. If I had to face my worse fears he would be one of them. I just hate how easily he gets into my mind. So until it settled. I'm going to keep repeating it.

Picture/ my guy

Sorry it's been so long. Pregancy with ptsd isn't fun lol. But it's a learning process. Been getting my guy more upset when I basically leave nowdays and start talking about past stuff. And then having to deal with him after I'm back to reality and not sure what I said. Oh well he loves me and puts up with it. He knows I do it he just doesn't like what he hears. He gets more upset of what happened to me then anything else.

Letting go / dealing with change

I believe it's harder for people who have to deal with ptsd to deal with change or even just letting go. Because you get your security and changing it scares you. Because anything can bring on ptsd. So when your letting go. And things remind you of the person or object. It's not the memories you get. But it's like having ptsd experience instead. It's sad having to let go of people for many different reasons.  Most of the time you have no control over the situation.  All we can really hold on to is the memories we shared with them. The memories can either haunt you or be a blessing. It's up to you to choose. For those that has been on my mind lately. I wish I could bring you into my present life. So I can share it with you and give you another hug. Guess life had other plans for us. (Thank you for reading my thoughts)

Wishing

Hating how easy it is for my ptsd to trigger.  My guy accidentally triggered it the first time. He felt bad about it. But I wish I didn't have it. Wish I could just be normal. All it was was him hitting his steering wheel. And I was gone. Guess the good thing is it didn't last as long as normal.

Ptsd for more then one reason

Realizing that you have ptsd for more then just what your used to is a new experience for me. Having it more intense because of being recent. Trying to enjoy life then getting pulled back into the hell you just crawled out of. Guess it shows how's much it infecting me. And how much sooner I needed to get out. I know most of my problems is because of basically losing a kid in the process of all this. And not what I went through. But a house should never become a cage. And having to stop hiding from it and face the house. The memories. You have to be strong enough to do it on your own.

Motherhood taking me back

Having to deal with the ptsd just to punish a kid. Why is grounding a little kid to his room so hard. Its not so much the grounding as it is the listening to the little one wanting out. Its knowing that sound. The cry. Only difference one is for a few min and other is for few days. If it wasnt  for the other people in the house I would have stayed there frozen. Back in the memory.  I managed to get an ice pack from the freezer and put it on my neck.  It didn't really work. Ended up texting the one person who could get me out. And wasn't able to talk. So I started writing this. It took my sister who is dealing with a divorce to get me to the point where i can start to get back to normal.

Empty

Just feeling so empty. No emotions. No interest.  Nothing. Usally me being depressed or im trying to hide my emotions. Been happening more and more lately.